You can’t force love – here’s why

Dear Aholia!

Never would I have thought that one day I would look for help from “unknown” people on the Internet. But my despair, disappointment and sadness have brought me to this point.

I have been in love with a man for about a year and have put my heart in his hands. Our start was a bit bumpy. He wasn’t sure how he felt about me but decided to give himself a shot and, in turn, us a shot.

On the other hand, I was always sure he was the one for me. But we live in two different worlds and ideas. While I was looking forward to a family life together, he was planning his travels and adventures.

I always gave in, he tried to adapt to my needs, but it never worked out. I notice how he became increasingly withdrawn over time, avoiding me and struggling with his feelings.

Eventually, he admitted that he didn’t feel like I did. My heart is not just broken. I also feel like I will never love anyone like I love him.

He likes me, but in his opinion, it is no longer enough for a relationship and great love.

Is there any way to change his mind and make him love me?

Love greetings

Carly

Why you should not force love

Carly’s story was really very close to me. That is unfortunately no coincidence, because unfortunately I know from my own experience how it is when you suddenly stand alone with the very big feelings.

I have already written about the ordeal of one-sided love. Therefore, today I would like to deal with another aspect of this letter.

What was particularly striking to me in this message was the sentence, “Is there a way to change his mind and make him love me?

It is, in fact, a question that I have not heard for the first time. Often women (but also men) worry about how to make the crush/boyfriend or ex feel the same as we do.

Coerce is already a harsh word. Yet, it also comes up again and again in various research and studies related to love and feelings. But never in a positive way. Much more turns to the theory that love is a natural choice, rather than something that can be forcefully put on or forced. (1)

Because the problem is, even if you work to force a love and certain feelings, you will never be truly happy with it.

Here I show you the answer to why that is:

1. it is exhausting and frustrating

All too often I hear the following things:

I give so much but get nothing in return!

I do my best that everything is perfect!

I try so hard to please!

Have you ever heard yourself thinking these phrases or at least? In fact, they are much more common than many of us would admit.

One of the biggest and most common mistakes we make when our efforts are not reciprocated is that we build up even more pressure or get frustrated.

This is because it is very exhausting and exhausting to stage the perfect relationship and true love when your partner does not reciprocate your feelings.

The next step on this always follows immediately and relates it to fault finding. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not good enough? Does he not love me because of my personality?

There will be no end to it and it will just be exhausting and frustrating for you.

2. It will lead you into a downward spiral

Women often wonder whether a man is just hiding his feelings or is simply not interested. These two possibilities are not always easy to distinguish, especially when flirting and getting to know each other.

However, if you make the decision to go to any lengths to force his love, you are, simply put, tripping yourself up.

You will be dragging yourself into a downward spiral of never-ending questions, insecurities, and disappointments. That’s a road you don’t want to go down. Believe me.

This way, instead of bringing the two of you closer and building an intimate relationship, you will do just the opposite.

If you start to put pressure, ultimatums, or timetables on each other, this too will only cause a bigger rift between you.

3. It will not be real love

Movies may tell us lies about love, but do we have to do it ourselves? If his love is not really in a natural, spontaneous and non-committal way, is it good enough for you?

Whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, in my opinion, you have to be a realist in such moments.  Don’t you want to experience a true love and a real explosion of feelings?

Don’t settle for something forced, fake or superficial! It is love that catapults the dopamine in you to the heights and makes your hormones dance. (2) It is also the love that fills you up completely and shows that you have arrived where you are supposed to be.

With him – the partner who is exactly right for you and who feels the same for you and with whom you do not have to force anything.

You deserve that! Remember that you should never settle for less.

4. It will disappoint your trust in love

Although all we want is love, we don’t always experience it how we’d like.

You are the perfect couple in your eyes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he sees it the same way. Even if you’re convinced he’s wrong, you can’t project your feelings onto him and expect the same from him.

That’s not how love works. 

That way, you’ll only be disappointed in the idea of love. Of course, disappointment is also part of the experience of love. But it’s even harder to deal with it when things don’t work out as we’d like them to.

Just because your crush doesn’t feel the way you do doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. You are not a bad person, either. It certainly doesn’t mean that real love doesn’t exist and you will never experience it.

It will happen, just not with this man. Do not lose hope.

5. It keeps you from true love

While you are losing your time to a man with no feelings for you, you may miss your chance to meet one who would reciprocate immediately.

We don’t have to go into the depths of obsessive love, but it’s not good to be dogged and not notice anything else. If your beloved has already shown you clear disinterest, instead of considering conquest strategies, maybe you should just let go. 

In his book The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything holding you back, author John Purkiss addresses the issue of freeing yourself from everything holding you back.

After all, an unrequited love you’ve been clinging to unsuccessfully could be one of those things. What do you think?

One thing is for sure, though, as long as you hold on to that hopeless love, you close the doors to all the possible beautiful love stories that could come into your life. Maybe among them is even the real, true love.

6. It will not feel natural

Just as you can tell by looking at a child during a Christmas display that it’s not their thing or comfort zone at all, you can smell a false love a mile away.

This love, and by extension the whole relationship, will not feel natural and easy. Even if you achieve your goal and build a relationship with the partner, there will always be a glimmer of uncertainty between the two of you.

Does he really love me?

Does he put his whole heart into it?

Are his feelings real now?

Do you really want to spend your whole life, doubting your partner’s feelings and always looking for confirmations? Is it worth it to you to be afraid of the end every time you have an argument? Do you want to always doubt the authenticity of his declarations of love?

After all, if you try to force love between you now, these very questions and thoughts await you in the future.

It will never feel the way a real, sweeping love should feel.

7. It is not the goal of love to change someone.

I really must emphasize this point to you. It is not easy when our feelings for someone are not reciprocated. But it is also up to us to accept and respect other people’s choices and feelings.

At the end of the day, I am sure that everyone wants to be loved for themselves. Certainly not because the other person tricked, manipulated or forced him into it. As strange as that sounds. It is our reality.

From the second we want to change the other person and adjust our ideas, a lot of alarm bells should ring.

If you truly love someone, you will find a way to accept ALL of their choices. Even if that means you are left hurt.

8. It is relationship you want, not man

Unfortunately, it is indeed the case that we often fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with a certain person. We imagine the dates together, trips, vacations and tenderness.

But rarely do we think more specifically about what makes this one person tick. What are his habits, quirks and attitudes?

We feel more of a longing for a relationship, but that is exactly what we often confuse with longing for a particular person.

Our expectations in all aspects of a relationship are also important. According to scientists, they are one of the most important factors we use to decide whether or not we will actually build and stay in a relationship. (3)

As you can see, there are many reasons not to try to force love. After all, it won’t make you or the other person happy. Many now ask the question, but what should you do if your partner or potential partner does not return your feelings?

We will come to that now.

What to do when the feelings are not reciprocated?

If the feelings and love are not returned, you do not have to despair anything immediately. Of course, never is a nice feeling, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

You see, even though you’re going through a hard time right now, I’m sure you’ll fight through this time too and be even stronger.

Here’s how you can best do just that.

• Make peace with the truth

The longer you delude yourself, the longer your suffering will last. If you realize that there are no feelings in your counterpart that are enough for a great love story, then you must be able to come to terms with that.

Yes, it hurts and yes, it won’t be easy. But it is the right way to finally free yourself. You’ll be able to let go of all the insecurity and questions and finally move on and heal.

• Accept your feelings

It is important that you are at peace with yourself and your feelings. There is no point in withdrawing and pretending that nothing has happened.

One of the most important steps in such moments, is to admit to yourself what, how and why you feel something. Only then can you get a clear closure with this issue and look confidently to the future.

Learn to admit and deal with the negative feelings as well. Your feelings will not go away just because you ignore them or don’t want to admit them.

Every wound needs time to heal. Of course, this is true for emotional wounds as well.

When feelings are not reciprocated, it is like a slap in the face for many. Therefore, it is perfectly normal and understandable that you need your time to let these emotional wounds heal.

The time has come when your love for yourself is more important than your love for your partner. Sort out your thoughts and feelings and take the time you need.

• Do not look for the blame on yourself

I have already mentioned it before. We often wonder what we did wrong, what’s wrong with us, or where our faults are.

But sometimes it just doesn’t fit. That doesn’t mean the fault is with ourselves. It’s the same for you. 

Don’t drive yourself crazy with thoughts of what He doesn’t like about you. Sometimes the spark doesn’t fly, the feelings change or fade. But that doesn’t mean that you alone are the cause.

• Find a contact person

For some it is the best friend, for others a family member or another trusted person. But it is always helpful to talk about your own feelings.

Just like the old saying tells us: A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

If you are having a hard time finding your footing in your lowest moments, you can always contact a therapist or a counseling center. You can find useful contacts on our help and counseling page. 

There you will surely find a good contact person. He will enable you to start the path of healing with the right steps and decisions.

• Introduce a contact break

Sometimes all we really need is a little distance. Not only that we can keep a cool head, but also with a little distance things may be viewed differently.

So maybe after some time you yourself will see the attitude of the partner. Or you realize that you would not really be the perfect couple.

Therefore, breaking off contact is often the best solution in such tricky situations. At the same time, it’s important that you stick to it and don’t give in.

Don’t get lost in thoughts about what your partner/crush thinks about you, why they don’t return your feelings, or why they pay more attention to someone else.

Rather, concern yourself with whether you are giving yourself and your needs enough attention and love. In any relationship, self-love should not be neglected.

Only when we love, accept and are satisfied enough with ourselves, we will radiate the same.

Psychologists keep affirming that self-love and self-compassion make us complete persons who walk through life happier and know their worth. (4)

• See the light at the end of the tunnel

Many will now ask how such a situation can be viewed optimistically. But in fact there is also the other side of this story.

You just got rid of a man to whom you were not a priority. You saved yourself from wasting months and years on someone who could never have loved you the way you deserve.

Isn’t that a reason to be grateful? Isn’t that the light at the end of this tunnel that you needed? I know that things are bad for you now. But this very point can bring you hope that all is not as dark as it may seem now.

My final words

From our collection of quotes, this one especially stuck in my mind: “The heart is stubborn. It holds on to love no matter what reason and emotion tell it. And often, in the struggle of these three, it is the most brilliant of all.” – Alessandra Torre

Although the heart doesn’t want to let go and we would love to force love, deep down we know that’s not possible.

By doing so, we will lose much more than we get. You deserve someone who loves you with all their heart and who wants to be by your side forever.

Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t muster those feelings. No matter how much it hurts.

Believe me, you will thank yourself later.